A Culture in Crisis: 3 Challenges for Apathetic Men
There is a significant crisis amidst families in America highlighting a significant point of failure: men. A study released in 2019 from 130 countries shows that the U.S. has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households. Over a quarter of children under 18 live in a home with one parent, typically the mother and no other adults.[1] Two-thirds of families are led and maintained by at least one grandparent. Given the U.S. population, this number is 2.7 million grandparents raising grandchildren.[2] I have observed this firsthand as I coach a youth soccer league consisting of children under 13. Grandparents are the primary caregivers or single mothers dropping and picking up their children from soccer practice. These statistics present a prominent issue that is not present in the statistics: where is the father? The U.S. Census Bureau identifies that 1 in 4 children do not live with a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home.[3]
Understandably, these statistics do not isolate those of the Christian household; however, Barna surveyed 1,000 Christian men on the satisfaction of their relationship with their family, and three in ten (30%) say they are mostly satisfied.[4] They are proving that this problem is not isolated to only non-Christians but that there is also a crisis within the Christian nuclear family. Christian men, specifically, those who are husbands and fathers are called to be their families’ spiritual leaders and protectors. When the leader of the home is not satisfied with their relationship with the family, a critical issue must be addressed: what is going on with men? The intention of this article is to address Christian or self-professing Christians. I will not address non-believers. However, even the non-believer may discover precious principles to incorporate into how one leads his family. Additionally, if you are a woman and reading this article, there will be ways you can lovingly encourage your husband to integrate this within the home.
1. Love Your Wife
So husbands ought also to love own their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. —Ephesians 5:28
The Apostle Paul addresses the husbands and wives of the church in Ephesus in the last section of Ephesians 5. Verse 28 stands out amongst the others as Paul provides an interesting comparison between how husbands should love their wives. An exciting translation note is identified in the word “ought” at the beginning of the verse. The Greek word translates into English as “to owe, be a debtor,” which provides additional depth to understanding the passage.
The husband owes the action of love towards his wife.
The significance of the weight of this passage is demonstrated in the latter section of this verse. Paul provides a qualifier for the husband to actively treat his wife the same way he treats and values himself. The word “love” is used in the same context describing the action of love towards the wife as it is with the husband. The key in understanding this verse is identifying a logical argument Paul presents towards the husbands at this church. The logical argument (also known as a syllogism) is a form of reasoning in which given propositions result in a rational conclusion supporting the claim of the initial proposition. In this sentence, the initial claim is that wives’ bodies are to be treated as their own. The importance of this claim is baked into the sentence; Paul presupposes that the husband understands that the wife is in perfect harmony and unity with the husband when the husband treats the wife and affords his wife the same respect and privilege he gives himself. By treating one’s wife in this manner, the man directly receives this blessing as it now demonstrates his love for his well-being in his wife’s life. Therefore, the husband owes the wife total and complete: devotion, honor, privilege, respect, love, time, priority, and tenderness.
If you cannot identify with any of those behaviors or character traits, fill in those eight with what you value in your own life. That list is not exhaustive, but Paul is describing that if a husband were to highlight and define how he cares for himself or the way he desires others to treat him, he is commanded to do those same actions of love to his wife. So, if the husband invests in his wife, he will harvest the benefits of that investment.
My challenge to husbands is this: Think about what you do throughout the day that provides you some measure of happiness or interest. With that thought in mind, now think about how you can use that same mindset to do for your wife what you currently do for yourself.
2. Spend Time with Your Wife
…for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church… —Ephesians 5:29
There is a drastic difference between being around your wife and spending quality time with your wife. Paul continues his command to husbands after commanding them to love their wives as themselves and justifies his reasoning. Paul appeals to the husbands by making an obvious statement about how husbands should love their wives.
You can force and fake “compliments and acts of service,” but you cannot fake true devotion.
Two words in this verse describe how this love is to be demonstrated to the wife in words “nourish” and “cherish.” The term nourish is understood as the action of nurture, similar to how one raises a child. Cherish is translated as heating or warming, which denotes a measure of a continual increase. How husbands love their wives then is understood to be a gentle, compassionate love that grows and comforts his spouse. How does this love grow? By spending time with your wife.
A statistical study released September 14, 2021, demonstrated that men ages 25-34 spend roughly 4.77 hours a day watching sports or participating in leisure activities.[5] Imagine if husbands spent that much time proactively engaging with their family and spending time with their wife? Husband, you must prioritize quality time with your wife for their relationship’s survival and growth. Unless these activities are ones that you and your wife enjoy doing together, cut down the time watching sports, golfing, gaming, or working out, and roll that time into actively pursuing your wife. Leisure activities done in isolation away from the family and wife is time for yourself, for your benefit, at the cost and expense of the relationship with your family. I enjoy doing many of these activities; however, I must be cognizant of the amount of time I spend on these to ensure I have time with my family. I cannot provide you with the exact formula or recommended schedule for your family, as each family has differing interests and abilities.
Practically speaking, this may be as simple as keeping your phone or laptop in another room away from you while playing Legos with your son, or “kitchen” with your daughter, or even constructing a pillow fort in the living room. Do not try and do those same activities with your spouse. Instead, sit and talk with her about what is going on in her life, get a babysitter, take her out for coffee, an art museum, or whatever she is interested in doing. However, ensure that the activity you are doing allows you and her to interact and not self-isolate unlike going to a movie or a solo activity.
Paul ends the verse by setting a clear standard: just as Christ loves the church is how husbands are to love their wives.
Christ is the bride of the church, and the purpose of church members gathering on Sunday is to give honor and glory and praise to Christ for what He has done. So, then husbands, you are also to do this when you spend time with your wife in whatever way you and she choose to spend time together.
3. Lead with a Warrior Mentality
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. —Ephesians 5:31
In the Journal of Affective Disorders, Brandon Hidaka published a study of the apathy and prevalence of depression in modern society. He identified and concluded by stating the problem as, “…humans have dragged a body with a long hominid history into an overfed, malnourished, sedentary, sunlight-deficient, sleep-deprived, competitive, inequitable, and socially-isolating environment with dire consequences.”[6] In this study, he identifies that in hunter-gatherer societies, infants are held 90% of the time by their mothers fostering a dependency and environment of nurture and connectivity. However, in the 1970’s mothers only carried or made skin-to-skin contact with their babies 16 percent of the time. In the modern-day, babies typically are left in their rooms and develop a bond with stuffed animals, movies, and as they get older, video games as the primary source of comfort and nurture. The rise of this style of modern-day parenting, the father excludes themselves as being proactive in the family’s life, has led to the reduced role of community and simultaneously elevated the position of authority of society in raising children.[7] The lack of intentionality from the father and the active development of young males in our modern society has led to men who do not have the innate sense of protection and connectivity to their offspring. In many tribal societies, young men must prove themselves by accomplishing seemingly difficult and dangerous initiations into adulthood to demonstrate their ability to lead and protect their future families.
Continuing to look at Paul’s challenge to husbands in Ephesians, I believe he is making a “call to arms” for all husbands and fathers as he identifies a state of affairs for marriage. The husband leaves his family and is joined in unity to his wife as they become “one flesh.” Paul states that the man shall “leave” his father and mother, which was the source of protection, and safety for the individual, and he goes out and insulates his wife and becomes the protector for her and his eventual offspring.
Paul directly quotes Genesis 2:24 as the narrative of the natural order and hierarchy of the relationship between men and women. Yahweh God enacts in the creation account in Genesis 2:23. The verb leave in Genesis means to abandon, forsake, or leave behind when referenced to a human subject or object (Josh 22:3; 1 Sam 30:13; Ps 27:10; Prov 2:17; Isa 54:6; 60:15; 62:4; Jer 49:11). Studying ancient Israel culture, the narrator uses hyperbole to identify a shift in the husband’s mindset when he becomes a husband and eventual father looking into the future.
When Paul states “becoming one flesh,” he is not referring to sexual intimacy or union, but becoming an entirely new family unit together in one accord.
As Eve was born out of Adam’s bone and flesh, a hierarchy is established that a husband and wife are connected on a completely different level than any other relationship, including the parent-child relationship. The husband immediately has the yoke of protection, guidance, and provision thrust upon him as his responsibility for what God has established.
Husbands, we are called to be the warriors for the family we have been blessed with from God. I use the term warrior because the definition of a warrior is associated with an individual who engages in warfare or has the character of vigor, courage, or aggressiveness towards a subject or object. In marriage, the subject/object is the family unit. Warriors are not passive, lazy, apathetic, malnourished, or weak. Warriors are training for the inevitable battles that will come their way to protect what they value and treasure. Our modern society consistently attacks and usurps the male role as the head of the family by stating that masculinity is toxic and should be avoided. Whereas I agree that there is a level at which male leadership in the household can and, sadly, sometimes does become abusive, this is unthinkable when viewed within the context and framework of biblical marriage and leadership. The husband protects his wife in the same way he protects himself against the elements, wild animals, and those looking to cause harm to what God has blessed him with.
My final challenge to husbands is this: Do not allow complacency to settle into your marriage and your role as a father. You must fight and work at what God has blessed you with; it is your spiritual duty. Become a spiritual warrior. Be proactive in your role and headship of the family, spend time in the Word, as this will help guide you and your family in the days to come.
Conclusion
Pauls's letter in Ephesians provides husbands and fathers three main elements that we are commanded to pursue and uphold. The statistics regarding the lack of involvement from the men can be changed when we truly love our wives, spend quality time with our families, and become spiritual warriors for the sake of our families.
[1] Stephanie Kramer, “U.S. Has World's Highest Rate of Children Living in Single-Parent Households,” Pew Research Center (Pew Research Center, May 28, 2021), https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/.[2] Brandon Gaille, “23 Statistics on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren,” Father Matters, January 23, 2020, https://fathermatters.org/23-statistics-on-grandparents-raising-grandchildren/.[3] U.S. Census Bureau. (2020). Living arrangements of children under 18 years old: 1960 to present. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Census Bureau[4] “The Connection between Friendship and Fatherhood,” Barna Group, accessed December 14, 2021, https://www.barna.com/research/friendship-and-fatherhood/.[5] Sep Lock, “Daily Time Spent on Sports and Leisure by US Males by Age 2019,” Statista, September 14, 2021, https://www.statista.com/statistics/189601/daily-average-time-spent-on-sports-and-leisure-by-us-males-by-age/.[6] Brandon H. Hidaka, “Depression as a Disease of Modernity: Explanations for Increasing Prevalence,” Journal of Affective Disorders 140, no. 3 (2012): pp. 205-214, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2011.12.036.[7] Sebastian Junger, Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging (New York, NY: Hachette Book Group , 2017), 25.