On Communication in Marriage
On one of my deployments with the United States Air Force, I had the opportunity to work with and train Kurdish forces along the northern region of Iraq. I required a translator to travel with me, as his communication skills were critical to the duties I performed. When we first worked together, the language barrier resulted in normal training taking almost triple the amount of time to accomplish. I was frustrated with my translator and assumed he was just not good enough. It wasn’t until later that I realized it was my communication that was the problem: I talked too fast and often used specific American jargon or military acronyms. As the weeks passed into months, the translator and I became accustomed to each other; he was able to translate all my slang and metaphorical language, and our training became much more fluid.
Communication problems are common, but they occur even when you speak the same language.
This is especially true in marriage. It doesn’t matter who you are, or how well you think you know your significant other––until you actually live with each other after getting married, there is a steep learning curve in the art of communication in marriage. Dianne and I married at an early age, and we were both immature in our communication skills. The majority of our confrontations revolved around unmet expectations. I recall some arguments about why she didn’t visit me at work during my small lunch break—which she would have never known to do unless I told her. (I assumed she would know and just do it arbitrarily.) Or why we didn’t have big plans for the weekend (because I had just gotten back from training and needed rest at home).
Know Your Spouse
Communication is an art form and a tool that is refined over the years with training and maturity. When we had our first child, Kaiden, I so desperately wanted to understand why he would cry during a feeding or while driving to a store. I knew he was trying to communicate with me; however, he was unable to fully explain himself because, again, he lacked the training and maturity. It would have been absurd for me to get upset over the fact that my son wasn't using complex sentences and voicing his opinions and desires. (Funny enough, now that he has grown up, we sometimes cannot get him to stop over-communicating with Dianne and me. That boy loves to ask questions and talk!) In the context of communication with children, it is important to understand the physiology of a child’s mind and the capability of their verbal expression.
In the same way, context plays a great role with regard to marital communication. While there are many principles to successful communication, you must understand the individual with whom you are trying to communicate. Consider your spouse’s cultural background, upbringing, and even spiritual maturity level. Take note of both what stresses your spouse and encourages your spouse. And as you communicate, think about the Biblical treatment spouses ought to offer one another. Scripture admonishes men to show love to their wives, and it teaches wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:22–33).
Adapt Your Communication
Another important principle is to adapt your style of communication to meet your spouse’s. For example, how I communicate with my wife is not how I communicate with my sister, co-workers, parents, or friends. If I do not adapt to the way in which I interact with each of these people in my life, then confusion will be the end result. After several months of miscommunication with Dianne, I realized another reason why our miscommunication was happening: I did not adapt the way I communicated when I got home from work. Of course, I treat my co-workers with respect; however, I did not enter into a covenant with my co-workers or friends the way that I did with my wife. Genesis 2:24 describes a husband and wife as one person, and my communication must reflect this.
Listen to One Another
Communication and listening are married. How successful is it to talk to a brick wall? It’s not because there is no non-verbal or verbal feedback; the brick wall does not listen to what you have to say. So, too, in communication, if you do not listen to the other individual.
The book of Proverbs offers several insights for the person who only speaks and doesn’t listen (Prov. 18:13, 18:2, 25:11). This person is often referred to as the fool. Ensure that you listen to the other person as he or she speaks with you, and even if you think you are right. This communicates to your spouse that you care about where they are coming from.
Ask for Forgiveness
James describes the tongue as a fire (3:6) that can devastate the entire body. Too often, miscommunication begins as a small spark but erupts into a large flame, which can result in a devastating fight and depressing emotions. Therefore, we must pay attention to the words that come out of each other’s mouths—most importantly, our own mouth—because we sometimes say things we do not mean. This is where the spirit of humility comes into play. When you realize that the argument has evolved beyond something manageable and into full-spectrum verbal warfare, ask the other person to forgive you for what you said, even if the other person has walked away and time has elapsed. When you understand the error of what you said, immediately go to that person and confess your wrongdoing, even if you are correct in the overall scope of the argument.
I was often wrong in the miscommunications between Dianne and myself, but I just didn’t want to admit it; however, Dianne, being filled with grace and humility, came to me and asked for clarification. She repeated back to me what I said, and to my amazement, I realized that my steamboat engine of a brain garbled up my intended thought and spit out some nonsensical sentence that would confuse anyone. Humility allowed space for clarity and forgiveness. Dianne asked for forgiveness for the miscommunication, the error of my ways was highlighted, and I admitted to her that no, I, in fact, was in the wrong.
Conclusion
Unfortunately, our communication skills will not change overnight. These principles take practice, genuine action, and a desire for success. We must remember that we do not have the power to change another person, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can change ourselves and learn how to better communicate in humility. Remember, we are all in the family of God together and are all going through the ongoing process of sanctification. If you feel as though you are at your wits’ end and wish to give up in your efforts for constructive communication, do not fear, for the Lord hears those who offer up prayer. We will all make mistakes, no matter how much we refine our communication skills until we are in our glorified bodies with Christ in heaven. Remember Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Tips for Understanding in Miscommunication
1. Gently and lovingly move beyond general conversation.
Have a time of genuine openness and vulnerability with each other. This allows for any items that either party has been compartmentalizing to come to the surface in a controlled environment instead of an emotional outburst.
2. Shift your approach.
If your spouse isn’t a talker, he or she may be a good listener or simply communicate differently. Do not expect your spouse to act and respond the way that you do, even if you have been married for years.
3. Be Christlike.
Maintain humility, ask for forgiveness, and seek boldness to understand the other person’s perspective. Adapting your style of communication to the other demonstrates that behavioral trait of humility, and asking the other party for clarification is key. And don’t forget that a soft answer turns away wrath (Prov. 15:1).
This article was originally published in Deeply Rooted Magazine Issue 14: The Church.