On Leading Your Wife

One memory that comes to mind is when I was in middle school thinking about the future and what it might be like to be married and have children. As a sixth-grader, the possibility of having a girl love me enough to want to marry me felt like an impossibility. Fast forward to 2009, I met my wife, Dianne Jago. I immediately knew she was the woman the God wanted me to marry. I was stationed in Spokane Washington teaching at the U.S. Air Force SERE school and she lived on the opposite corner of the country attending college in Clearwater, Florida. During our long-distance relationship, we worked hard at communication and it wasn’t long until we became engaged. She transferred to a college near me in Spokane and it was at this beginning stage of our relationship that I realized leadership in a relationship is vital for the success of a marriage.

One verse, in particular, stood out to me in regards to leadership in marriage. Paul writes in Ephesians 5:22-24:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

This passage clearly outlines the way God designed marriage. A comparison is made between the wife submitting to the husband the way the Church submits to Christ. Paul outlines the importance of understanding the role each member plays in marriage and demonstrates this through the life of the church and the role Christ plays in both parties. (Unfortunately, this verse can be dangerous as some may not understand the complete context in which this verse was written and might easily draw out a false implication to apply to the marriage covenant. We will address this later.)  

Let’s take a closer look. The verse begins with the command that the wife is supposed to submit to her husband. Why? “For the husband is the head of the wife…” The Lord has given her the husband to lead, protect, guide, and support her. Then Paul makes a comparison between wives and the church and how Christ views the church: “…even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

CHRIST: THE HEAD OF THE CHURCH

At the beginning of Acts, we see that post-resurrection Christ spends 40 days with his Apostles to train, teach, and equip them to go and start the church to spread the Gospel across the nations. Christ does this by leading them in His teaching and opening their minds to understand the ministry they were apart of (Luke 22:45-48). The Apostles submitted to Christ who is the head of the church; He is leading, guiding, directing the church to have the same mission as He has come to establish. The church submits to Christ because He is the Cornerstone of our faith, and the Sustainer of our lives. Likewise, the husband is the leader of the family, and the head of the wife to guide and lead her through life. 

However, we cannot stop at this verse because Paul has not completed his thought on explaining the way in which a husband is supposed to lead his wife. A husband should not be a dictator in the way he runs his household. Just because the wife is supposed to submit to him does not mean this is something to be taken advantage of and abused. In a few sentences after the declaration for the wife, Paul states in Ephesians 5:28-29:

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

 This presents a clear case for the submission and leadership relationship. As a husband, I am to love my wife as I love myself. This means, that I must treat her with love, tenderness, humility, and be open to communication. Why? Paul answers this question by reminding us that we do not hate ourselves but take care of ourselves. 

For example, I enjoy working out, lifting, and training in jiu-jitsu at my local Gracie gym. Why do I do that? Yes, I enjoy it but primarily I desire to care for my body and desire to know how to protect myself. These disciplines are not just for my personal gain, but my whole family gains the benefits as well. By taking care of myself I am able to be healthy for my family and do activities with them, and also protect them in times of trouble. So, if I spend this time on self-improvement I should, at a minimum, spend the same amount of time with my wife. 

This is not a suggestion from the Apostle Paul but a declaration of something that is prescriptive for all men to follow. If we as men wish to lead our wives it begins with nourishing and cherishing her as we would ourselves; the model we see for this is how Christ loved the church and each one of us. Christ gave His life for us (Rom. 5:6-8) and so we must die to self when serving and leading our families. 

FROM “I” TO “WE”

Before I got married, I did what I wanted, how I wanted, and when I wanted it, but marriage turned the “I” into “We”. When Dianne and I first got married I realized I was no longer living life in isolation in my own world. What do we want to do, how do we raise our kids, how do we spend our money? I must not lead my wife as a dictator but I must lead my wife in a way that is loving, caring, kind and that ultimately points her to Christ and makes her understand who she is in Him. When disagreements arise and we cannot see eye to eye I must rely on the Word of God to direct my decisions knowing that the decision I make is not just for me but affects my whole family. 

 Men, we must become strong leaders for our wife and our families. Stop sitting on the sidelines expecting your family to naturally grow the way you envision it to grow. If you are not actively engaging with your wife and kids do not expect it to naturally go without any direction.

Anything in life worth doing requires investment of time, and energy. If you spent the same amount of time listening to, speaking with, and actively pursuing a relationship with your family the way you do with sports, or the gym imagine the change you would experience within your family. There is no room for laziness in marriage; you cannot rely upon your wife to be the leader of your family. You are required to guide your family spiritually, you are required to protect your family, and you are ultimately responsible to God for what happens within your family.  Your wife needs someone she can rely upon.

How you are in your home models to your children what they will replicate when they grow older.

If you model laziness, they will be lazy men and women. If you model selfishness, they will be selfish men and women.

BE STRONG IN THE FAITH

Paul gives another strict command to abide by in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14:

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.

This verse continues Paul’s previous thought that the way we love our families is to be strong in the faith. This verse tells us to be watchful. We need to be aware of problems that we see arise within our marriages that could disrupt and cause a break in our unity of marriage. We need to be strong in the faith. How? You must be in your Bible and not only understand what it says but communicate and model its truths to your family. Additionally, he tells us we must be strong in the way in which we lead our families and that in whatever it is we do with them, it be done in love. 

CONCLUSION

Consider leaders throughout history. Who has willingly followed a leader that was unsure of what they wanted out of life or lack goals? People want to follow leaders who know where they are going and who see that their leader has a plan to execute and the knowledge and willingness to get there. Men, we must be proactive in how we lead our wives and children. Come up with a plan. How will you spend time with your family? How will you lead them spiritually? This begins with your personal relationship with Christ and your ability to understand God’s Word.

One thing I’ve done is make a priority list for my ife in order of importance. This is mine:

God -> Wife-> Kids -> Church-> My desires.

Notice that I come last. A good leader understands that they are only as strong as the weakest person in the team.

Men , consider this a war rallying cry for reformation within the household. Stop waiting for something to happen within your marriage to finally make the change. God blessed you with a family, now be strong and go take care of it.